The Las Vegas Courtesan

The first rule to having a happy and successful bachelor party is knowing your attendees. This makes a huge difference in how you should plan accordingly because every party is different and a lot of parties end up in disaster due to lack of communication, among other things. Which brings me to the tweet I made that some people wanted me to elaborate (plus I have received a lot of emails lately wanting party advice):

“I really have a hard time dealing with the stress of bachelor parties these days. I’m so good at predicting outcomes it makes me nervous.”

I have been to so many parties over the years, I’m sure the number is way up there. The success rate of bachelor parties (or really any group of guys over 4), is much lower than the success rate of a call that has one guy or two. We typically look forward to the individual guys calling and somewhat groan when we hear it’s a party. Why? Here’s a little top three list of reasons:

1) Too many cooks in the kitchen:

There are 2+ girls, and a bunch of guys. Typically one guy has called or a couple of guys had some lightbulb moment and decided to plan the party. We try to talk to those people alone and away from the other guys. The reason is so that there is less confusion explaining things to a room full of drunk, rowdy men and to save our voices because usually instructions would be yelled. This also saves my patience and any other girls when we have to repeat ourselves 400 times to each guy, who mostly aren’t listening anyway. Even though we take these precautions, every guy ends up wanting to be the boss and dictating how things are going to go. So far all of this explaining has eaten up 30 minutes of our time to make sure there is no confusion. See my post on how agencies really work  to understand why we don’t want there to be any misunderstandings after a fee is collected.

2) We want the fee back!:

Once an agency fee is collected and called in, it is non-refundable. This is the part that stresses me out the very most. If we “check in” to a call and then the money is handed back, then we are therefore responsible for the money out of our own pocket. Yes, that sucks immensely. Some companies understand more and don’t make girls pay it back, but some are very strict about this policy. Really, I hate a conflict or disagreement, so that’s why I try to explain everything fully to clients and only work for agencies that I know explain things correctly on the phone. Clients only listen to half or none of what the girl says on the phone, so I try to repeat everything fully to make sure. People demanding back the fee is a rare occurrence for me now, but that thought and stress is still there in the back of my mind.

3) Problems, problems, problems:

Bachelor parties are the number one type of call where problems happen, and guys turn into some sort of irate animals. This is somewhere between what psychologists call “groupthink” and animal pack behavior. Most guys are having a good time, then a couple are just unsatisfied with whatever is going on usually alcohol induced (also, usually the person who spent the least amount of money or none at all), and their dissatisfaction spreads throughout the group until it’s a full-on mutiny. The emotions spread and turns into a mob against the girls. I’ve been around so many situations I can usually tell almost immediately if the party will be a problem or not. This intuition is great to have, but makes me nervous when I see how things might become a problem.

So, how do you make sure your bachelor party won’t turn into a disaster? Here are some good pointers:

1) Know your attendees:

Like I said before this makes all of the difference. If you have a larger group of guys and a couple of them can spend decent money, but the rest are complaining about $7 beers, then you might want to consider a strip club. The club can pick your party up for free, they have a two drink minimum, and each guy can pitch in what they want (if they want). Large groups of guys sometimes split up into smaller groups during these trips, so sometimes it’s better to group up the guys who are willing to pitch in for the bachelor and not be party duds. This way you have a group of guys that really want a good show and won’t complain about spending more than $40

2) Don’t try to invite every friend since kindergarten:

The larger the bachelor party, the more hectic and chaotic it gets. The most fun parties I have been to were between 4-7 guys. Everyone gets more time with each girl for dances, everyone isn’t squished like sardines in a room, and we don’t have to yell over every drunk in the room to explain anything. Things go more smoothly and overall people have a better time as a group. We get to know guys and interact with each one on a more personal basis as well. The money is a little more per person, but in the end the money goes further.

3) Way more interactive:

The in-room experience is definitely way more interactive with touching, games, and embarrassing the bachelor (clubs just don’t do the embarrassing stage shows in town anymore), but it is never cheaper than a club. This is a HUGE misconception with guys. They think the strip club girls are expensive and we work for singles. That logic makes no sense! Agency fees are in the hundreds alone, and strippers in the clubs already make on average 2-3 dances for $100, $400 for half an hour and $800+ for an hour. There is no way we’d be doing so much more for ones and fives. The difference is we can play more games and be more personable than clubs.

4) Be organized!:

Have the agency fee ready, have a decent amount of money per guy collected on top of the fee, and don’t go exchange all of your cash for ones! Keep some small bills for playing games with the bachelor, but please please pretty please don’t go exchange everything out in ones. The casino cashiers usually won’t take them back, and we get the biggest “Okay, stripper” eye roll.

Hopefully these tips helped everyone just in time for those people planning trips before the spring wedding rush. Las Vegas is definitely a bachelor party Mecca, so plan accordingly to your group to make it the best trip. There’s a party for everyone here I think.
Here’s also to a good 2012 and my first post of the new year.

So I’ve seen a bachelor dressed up in an Elvis costume too drunk to know his own name, and a bachelor that was so passed out he woke up swinging at his best friends, but I have never seen this amount of embarrassment or brotherly camaraderie as long as I have lived and worked in Vegas, and for some odd reason two of the three parties were British. All three of these parties by the way, occurred within two weekends:

The first party was at the Hard Rock, the guy who came downstairs to get me and four other girls (yes, 5 of us, and we all were not too pleased about the number of girls) , was a super nice guy from London and took us right upstairs and immediately gave us the crazy expensive company fee. In the next room were 12-14 loud, unruly Brits who apparently were all broke but wanted their friend to have the best time, just don’t embarrass him too much. Since we didn’t get tipped much at all upfront, we did a quick pile up dance on the bachelor and got him down to his boxers like we all normally do on bachelor parties. I noticed his silky boxer briefs had a photo of himself on it with the words, “I’m With Tim” underneath the photo. I laughed and said, “How cute did your friends make you those?” and he said, “Yes, actually…. HEY EVERYBODY DROP TROU AND SHOW THEM!” I turn around to see 12 guys at attention, all simultaneously unbuckling their pants and pulling their pants down. I felt like I was in a movie watching the synchronized pants-dropping, but sure enough all of the guys were wearing matching boxers with their buddy’s picture only 3 inches away from their own package. They must have practiced this moment together back home because they seemed to chime in   “Yea! Cause we’re with Tim!” I almost died laughing.

The second party, and I think the most funny, was also a group of British guys staying on the strip. I show up and due to some misunderstanding by the phone girl and best man, I am the only girl and there are 12 of them. I quickly explain to the best man 4-5 guys can stay but since they were in a bit of a hurry and on a tight budget, I couldn’t get another girl there in time. Since there were only a few guys chipping in they did what I said, paid the fee, and had enough of a tip for me to do a quick show for the bachelor. This is when the best man informs me of what the bachelor was wearing UNDER his pants: remote controlled, vibrating, black thong underwear. I giggled and wanted to see this for myself. Sure enough when I got him undressed in front of his friends, there was a vibrating thong that barely covered anything. The buzzing of the vibrator kept going off as his hysterically laughing friends kept mashing on the buttons of the remote from the couch. The bachelor nervously giggled and tried hiding what he could with his hands. I only kept this public humiliation up for a few minutes since he obviously wasn’t having fun trying to hold himself into the tiny thong. Luckily the best man tipped more so he could have more private time sans thong.

The last party was a tame group of guys staying in a suite. The best man/brother of the groom apparently was a rookie at planning bachelor parties and had gone online to order a bunch of party supplies, but ended up getting all of the items a bachelorETTE party would have. This usually entails of anything and everything with a penis on it. You’ll see these girls parading up and down the Strip with their penis straws and blinking penis necklaces. So I guess the brother went online and didn’t see vagina shaped supplies so he figured the penis shaped items would be okay instead. I almost died laughing when I saw these exact slippers on the floor. In the bathroom was toilet paper with sex positions on it and on the bar were penis shaped cocktail stirrers. The girl with me could not stop giggling which was contagious for me and I couldn’t stop. The best man didn’t get it until we explained what the penis items are REALLY for. He said, “Well, I couldn’t find much else!” I’m sure he’ll be better prepared the next time he helps throw a party.

I got back into town on Thursday evening and called onto my services but got too tired before anyone actually called me. Friday I work and do quite well for my first real day back and was happy… the weekend can only get better right? Wrong.

I get a call to the Mandalay Bay from the service I work for that only deals with referrals from cab and limo drivers (their fee is a little higher) and meet up with two other girls I know quite well in the room. It’s a large bachelor party of about 10-11 guys and we pull aside the best man (who arranged the call) to a side room to collect the fee and figure out what kind of party they are looking for. One girl explains to him very clearly that this fee is not ours, we do not profit from it and only gets us there and a strip and tips determine the party… once this is collected there are no refunds (because then WE would have to pay for it!) He says it’s no problem he understands and gives the fee. We called to tell the company and proceeded to get naked for the fee. One girl started tips off a little high, I admit, but then we calmed him down to say we will start for whatever tips but we need to know what the budget is. They come back with the figure (from 10 guys) of 100-200 split between 3 girls for a full on party. Sorry but can’t do it. Two of the guys get ticked, don’t want to work things out, someone puts a chair in front of the door and watches to make sure we don’t leave with the company fee. The rest of the guys are pretty okay with what happened and said to let us leave and understand 50 bucks a girl wont cut it. We even offered to stay and dance for the bachelor privately for the small money they did have. We were calm, cool, and trying to work it out.

There’s always one asshole at every Bachelor party and this guy was a big one. He first of all interrupted any talking about working things out with “give us the fee back and you can go, if not I will first call security then Las Vegas Metro”. Wow is it really that necessary to go threaten us like that? Ten/eleven guys versus 3 girls… I think we are outnumbered. He picks up the phone and a few of the guys were just like “go”… so we did and walked down the hall. We get on the elevator and it goes down, unknown to us The Asshole had caught up to us and saw him as the doors closed. We all say split as we get off. The doors open and about 5 security guards were standing there. Holy shit.

I try and walk off around them as they snagged the other two girls as I exclaim I don’t know them. I get around the corner heading straight for the front door and a public sidewalk when a guard runs back up to me grabbing my arm exclaiming “You’re coming with me!”. I know my rights and know he just broke a few laws by forcefully grabbing me. I don’t remember what I exactly exclaimed but I did shout, “you can’t do that! You can’t touch me! I did nothing and leaving out of the door!” I put my hands up to show I wasn’t struggling and he fought back throwing my arms behind me and trying to squeeze me in handcuffs . What the hell? I said what did I do that I am being put in cuffs and he never replied. He pushed me along saying I am going to the back now for not complying. I said tell me what I have done to be taken to the back… silence. I said what am I under arrest for and he said I wasn’t under arrest. So why did I have cuffs on and being drug thru the WHOLE casino floor to the security office? How embarrassing.

So we get to the back… me in handcuffs and the other two girls have their mouths wide open that I am being led in cuffed up. We sit and wait and wait… over hearing comments of us being charged with felonies of grand larceny by Metro because the customers were pressing charges. Then we overheard one Mandalay Bay security supervisor calling us “trick rollers” and chuckling then being corrected by the police officer that we actually were not doing such a thing. We finally got to explain our side and said we don’t care about the fee and will give it back to the guys to avoid felony charges (of course). All three of us had been trespassed on an MGM property before so we all three got misdemeanor tickets for trespassing. Thankfully no one got taken to jail.

So… I am just livid about the whole security situation over there and how the walking penis of a guard handled things. I know that what happened was not done properly and totally will be making sure that asshole is reprimanded for his actions. Grrrr