Hatred of Sex Workers For the Ills of the World
I got a little hate mail from a woman a few weeks ago which is really my first email of the sort. It brought up some things that I have issues with — how oftentimes police and governmental agencies, special interest groups of all sorts, and even society as a whole place blame on all sex workers for some of the dark sides of humanity. They all want to believe that any sort of prostitution is a bad thing and all prostitutes are to blame for horrible child prostitution and sex trafficking that goes on in the world. The act of prostitution is even compared to a parasite by the author of the email. Furthermore, she says that we (read: sex workers) are selling ALL of women’s sexuality. Really? I don’t remember forcing or imposing myself, my personal choices, and my occupation on any other women in this world or anyone else, for that matter. My existence in the sex industry does not mean that I am hurting or damaging fellow females, to say nothing of the other horrible criminal acts she mentions. In fact, I see it as quite the opposite. I am doing something that they do not want to do and I am not imposing myself on anyone and their sexual lives. Just because some husbands or partners decide to see a sex worker does not make me guilty of forcing them to call an escort agency or meet a working girl in a bar. They act in their own freewill and do as they please as a rational human searching for something they feel like they lack in their own private lives.
As far as the “parasite of human trafficking and forced prostitution” goes, you can only blame those who try to abuse the system and the girls and boys that they affect. To say someone like myself is somehow guilty by association of trade is not only terribly offensive, it is just illogical and plain wrong. This same sort of blame could be placed on a lot of other industries, but it’s usually forgotten or not done. Let’s take, for example, the sneaker or shoe making market. There are people who consider themselves masters of this trade, true craftsmen, and sell their product to the general public. Just because this cobbler makes shoes ethically while there are children forced to work in factories in many countries for pennies a day to make similar shoes (for large U.S. corporations at times, no less,) you can not place blame on the cobbler for his trade having a dark side by greedy people who want to make money at the hands of those children or even underpaid workers. It would be completely ludicrous to blame the local shoe repair guy for indirectly “encouraging” the inhumanity going on in some countries. It’s the same with prostitution. You can’t blame a local sex worker for the greedy and inhumane practices that these criminals are known for, but this is all you see in the news or in the papers. Our society is heavily biased against prostitutes to the point of dehumanizing us, and the people writing the “news” articles or “reporting” on television are themselves very often biased just like most of the rest of our culture. It’s so commonplace and accepted as “okay,” it seems sometimes that sex workers are the last “special interest group” in the United States that is still – daily – dehumanized in the media and not treated with the same care as every other group that gets coddled to. Just think about it for a minute before you make up your mind if I am right or wrong – when was the last positive news article you read or television “exposé” you watched that was not heavily slanted? The government convinces everyone that the sex industry is only filled with bad people and abusers of fellow humans to make a buck and if it isn’t the government it’s people like this allegedly “pro-women” person who is attacking another woman. They never point out the good people or the educated women making a decision for themselves to make a business out of pleasure. It all gets twisted into us selling our bodies like we sold ourselves to the devil unintentionally or someone forced us to do it because we are powerless – helpless, even. We can and have made up our own minds, and of our own accord, to be in this industry. We are not selling the sexuality of other women because that is their own decision to make. Our job doesn’t influence them just like their desk job at a corporation doesn’t influence me. I think we need to stop pointing the finger at the profession and point them at the true criminals.
I have never seen anything of the sort since becoming a sex worker, but in case you ever doubted, let me make this point very clear: if I EVER come across criminal activity involving children in any shape or form, and in particular prostitution, I will be the first person to report it to the authorities. That makes me sick.
Here’s this woman’s original email:
Beyond your cute “ha ha prostitution is such a crazy gig!!” blog entries, I have no doubt that underneath it you know that what you do is hideous. Making a buck for yourself off of how lucrative women’s bodies are in this world? Besides the obvious issue of the parasite human trafficking/forced prostitution industries that will always follow that lucrativeness, there are lots of intelligent women who understand that what you are really selling is all women’s sexuality. And we don’t appreciate it one bit. While all of us have to put up with the consequences of our bodies being commodities (a concept you wholly endorse and encourage by being a hooker) we kind of really disdain women who, as I said, use that damaging image to make few bucks for themselves, selling what is not theirs to sell. It’s very selfish and frankly, very ignorant of you.
Tags: prostitutes, Sex Industry, working girls
From her email, I would guess she’s been cheated on before, and the man might have admitted to a prostitute being the source. I honestly wouldn’t take it personally, as she’s obviously using her experience to crap on you because she has no other place to throw it.
There was a time in history when being a “sex worker” was the only time women had ANY power over men. It’s still a power that all women wield, and it’s our choice how we choose our power. Keep on keeping on, girl!
August 24th, 2010 at 9:54 pmThe world’s oldest profession could also be called the world’s first niche business. Since time began, a need was fulfilled because nature quite simply abhors a vacuum. For all the negative currents that swirl around the act of prostitution, the fact remains that it provides a vital service to society.
August 24th, 2010 at 10:28 pmMany a young man has experienced their first sexual act with a woman in this manner and I have known of fathers that have taken their teen age sons to bordellos for this very purpose.
Perhaps more husbands wouldn’t cheat with a hooker if their wives truly cared about making themselves attractive to their husbands and if these wives performed their marital duties on a more regular basis instead of developing the proverbial p.m.s. headache. At any rate, it’s not the prostitute’s responsibility or problem, nor does she have any obligation to the wife or society as a whole. Denigrating the sex worker because of the failures of the few in the collective of all women’s sexuality is in itself ludicrous.
Whether it is bartered, sold, rented for an hour or leased for a lifetime through a license, the commoditization of sex is a constant in our universe. This emailer should just get over it. I look forward to that day in the not too distant future when hooker futures are traded like pork bellies and orange juice on the Chicago Board of Trade…
Sex is a need, and like any need, it will be filled by the market.
August 25th, 2010 at 1:22 amI agree with your analogy completely. Every business has a dark side, and the value of a business is not the practice but the practitioners.
The Drug Industry, for example. Both legally and illegally, you have people who are in the business of improving lives, and making a profit doing so- in that order- and people who would sell poison to make a quick buck.
Prostitution is neither immoral or unethical. America as a whole is still stuck in this Victorian mindset that only young males are allowed to revel in sexuality, and even then only to an extent. If a female enjoys her sexuality, she’s still labeled a slut, a “easy score”, even if her standards are both high and maintained.
Prostitution has a incrediby long history, ranging from sex-as-religion (which is prety freakin’ obvious) to the market force it is in America today.
One hing tha always bugged me- I can’t come up to you on the streetcorner and offer you money for sex, that’s illegal. But I can come up and offer you money to be filmed having sex, with the intent to distribute for profit. What’s the difference between pornography and prositution? The bizarre idea that all sex trade workers are runaways, druggies, or slaves? Well hell, I can say the same for pornography, if I wanted, that all the women in porn are underage and forced to act against their will.
I love your blog, and I love you for what you are. Wish there were more women like you.
-Chris
PS. Sorry about the epic-length essay comment. 😀
selling what is not theirs to sell.
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the second I read this I realized what a closed minded moron it was that wrote the email Its so off track it doesn’t even deserve/warrant a response,
PS…WhoTF is “we” anyway?????
August 25th, 2010 at 3:11 amGreat post! 🙂 Yes I completely agree with you. Insecure women look for someone to blame for their partners, husbands infidelity, god forbid they should ever consider it might actually be their fault! Some guys are just sleaze balls and cheats, and if they don’t see an escort then they’ll dabble with other women. Escorts are not the reason why men cheat, they are the the method they chose to do their cheating. Some guys are genuinely really great guys with genuine reasons for seeing escorts yet women still blame escorts! They stop having sex with their husbands/partners and then expect them to accept that and not to get it anywhere else. Hello!!?? What planet are these women on?
Whoever wrote that email to you is insecure, ignorant, unhappy and utterly small minded. I pity her. If she wants to have ago at prostitution she may as well start targeting all the women who marry men for money, the women that use their sexuality to get what they want, whether it’s career, entry to events/clubs, freebies and any other perks. Escorting/prostitution is an honest trade, with many honest ladies in the business.
With regards to trafficking as you say there are people exploited in every profession not just in the sex trade.
August 25th, 2010 at 6:13 amHey girl! Don’t worry about that loser who emailed you! Screw her! Not literally. lol. I, too am a prostitute. I’m 23 and have been for a year and a half. I DO pay my own bills, and I DO put MYSELF through school. And it makes me damn proud that I can take care of myself without trying to kill myself with some minimum wage job. I tried that route, I eventually had to drop out of school because I couldn’t get off of work to go to school. Thats when I met a girl who called herself a ‘GFE’ the ‘girlfriend expierence.’ She told me about it, and here I am a year and a half later. I’ve only gotten two really crazy phone calls/texts from the mens wives. Of course, I denied everything, and changed my number…ASAP! But, you live and you learn, and then you get slicker! lol Keep your head up and don’t go down for anyone…well, unless, you know! lol.
Kelley
August 25th, 2010 at 7:07 amI completely agree with you, but this does bring an interesting topic, the issue of forced prostitution and exploitation. Is there anything you can recommend for clients who do not want to get involved with this sort of thing?
Following your shoe-maker example, if I read about X brand of shoe using child labor sweatshops, I’m going to make sure I don’t buy their shoes. But in the sex industry, are there any tells or tips a client can use to figure out if they’re paying an independent consentual worker or an exploited one?
August 25th, 2010 at 7:10 amThe fact that you received this e-mail shows that your blog is getting more and more hits. The true measure of a point of view is how many counter points it produces.
On the other hand, kudos to you for including the e-mail in your post. And more kudos for everything else!
August 25th, 2010 at 8:22 amHer email is a clear sign of what is a huge problem in this society. She cannot find balance in her life with partners or sex or her own sexuality. Add to that a nearly lethal mixture of puritanism and shame and judgment and feeling threatened by it all, and the pressure really begins to build, not only on her, but on society.
Now obviously, expectations and balance need to be adjusted to achieve peace, but noooooooooo, someone has to be blamed! Action by others is the only thing that will do! It is certainly never the people with the imbalance or the unrealistic and whacky expectations who need to adjust, but rather the sex industry, or society’s tolerance of it that needs to be adjusted.
She sounds just like my mother used to: I have a problem, and you have to totally change your lifestyle to solve my problem!
She never got anywhere with that argument either…….
August 25th, 2010 at 10:21 amI’ve been reading you for a while. I’m a quiet lurker for the most part but this post really got to me. I can’t stand the sanctimonious women who propose to speak for me ‘as a woman’ and tell the world what I dislike or how I can use my body, MY body. I’m not a sex worker, I’ve never been. I can’t say the thought didn’t ever cross my mind, I’m quite open minded usually.
I despise the woman who feels she has the right to voice MY opinion because she cannot, unless she lives in MY head, in MY world. I am a wife, I have been cheated on, lied to, discarded by men, and a few women. I do NOT see prostitution and sex workers as the root of all evil and I can honestly say that I just had a very similar conversation within the last hour, before I even read this post. The topic comes up a lot in my life because I do have many contacts, online and off, who have chosen the business of sex to make their way and fill their cupboards.
It’s a job, a service. I’d even hazard to say that it’s as vital as psychiatric care or physical therapy. I say that because a lot of problems truly can be solved by the simple act of letting go of certain mores and restraints and just having the freedom to do that thing which you may otherwise be incapable of doing. That’s a long winded post so I won’t even go there, I could write a book on the topic and my views therein..
In any case, I’d far rather my husbad visit a service provider for a few hours of sexual healing than to ‘cheat’ on me with a mistress or lover. The concept of cheating, in my eyes, is an emotional concept. A sex worker provides a service, a transaction. There is no entanglement, no passionate embrace, no fear that she’ll drop a bomb on my family at some later date. She’s doing her job, period. Hell, I would (and have) endorsed the idea of seeing a provider to MY husband because I have a serious and at times debilitating chronic illness. I can’t always give him what he needs. So far he has not taken me up on that offer but he knows that in future, if he needs or desires to do so, he has my full blessing. Hell, I even think it would be enlightening and dare I say ‘fun’ to help him find the perfect GFE or even just a beautiful sensual individual to interact with in that way..
I’m sorry for the huge comment, truly. I simply cannot abide someone telling me what I think/feel/believe such as the author of that email has tried to do. To her I say: Don’t speak for me ma’am, especially ‘as a woman’ because I assure you that I’m more than capable of speaking for myself. I have something in my marriage that is either enviable or deplorable depending on your politics. I love my husband, and he loves me. We trust each other implicitly and without question. I cannot make shoes if my life depended upon it, if he needs shoes, I am more than willing to help him find someone who can offer some quality foot wear and he will always come home to me because that is what trust and lover are truly about.
August 25th, 2010 at 11:31 amLove all of the opinions… Glad to see I’m not the only one who feels this way.
I: As far as how to avoid exploited or forced workers… I don’t really have an answer for that. I wish I did. I do know if I find out if a girl is underage I will immediately report that to the proper officials.
August 25th, 2010 at 12:12 pmInteresting stuff on all fronts. I do believe the human trafficking issue must be addressed, but she’s taking it out on the wrong person. I think we all agree that must be addressed, but I’m not so quick to blame an entire industry because of that.
August 25th, 2010 at 8:08 pmWow…I will never cease to be amazed at people’s insecurities with their own sexuality. The line is clearly drawn for them that you can sell your sexuality in mainstream media, but to do it grassroots is taboo. Just encourage her to go picket all the Brad Pitt films, because its not like women go to those for the “acting”.
I’m starting to think that you can actually stop evolving intellectually by not believing in evolution in general. I’d support a college study on this.
Love your posts, fight the ignorance!
August 25th, 2010 at 8:20 pmNot yours to sell? If your body isn’t yours to sell, who the hell owns it? Sounds to me like the crazy email hater thinks SHE owns your body since she’s telling you what you shouldn’t do with it! WTF’s up with THAT!?!
August 25th, 2010 at 8:47 pmIn similar vain a FYI http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/one-in-four-lap-dancers-has-a-degree-study-finds-2063252.html
The first academic research project into lap dancing has found that, rather than being uneducated young women who have been coerced into the industry, one in four dancers has a degree and has been attracted by the money.
Dancers took home an average of £232 a shift after paying commission and fees to the club, with most working between two and four shifts a week – giving them annual incomes of between £24,000 and £48,000 a year.
The researchers found no evidence of trafficking in the industry, and concluded that career and economic choices were motivations for dancing rather than drug use or coercion
August 27th, 2010 at 9:07 amVery good. I liked your article about child molesters being thrown in with every other Sex Worker. You must understand. That’s not an accident. It’s a Tactic. In America, you are dealing with some of the most shrewd and cunning people on the Planet.
If a man has an ounce of marijuana and sells it to his friend, they lump him in as a drug dealer, which turns the people against him. Playing with words is what Americans do.
If a Cop shoots a man, they have “flag words” like he ‘lunged’. Stating “I thought he had a gun, because he lunged at me, so I shot him.” I am a gun expert, and people with guns don’t ‘lunge’. They just fire.
10 Muslims fly into the buildings on 911. They mixed all Muslims together. It’s called Tactic. Yet Timothy McVeigh, who was Christian, who blew up the Oklahoma building, but no one has turned on or hated Christians for that.
People who have an “agenda” cannot be straightened out by talking to them. You have puritans who are Christians that have no problem with War, but Sex shakes them to the core. They told Hawaiians in the 1800s they could not go topless, and they have gone around the world pushing their beliefs and feelings on everyone and everything that moves.
Everything you said was Right, but when someone is out to get you, there is absolutely nothing you can say that will change their mind.
No cop has ever been convicted of murder or abuse in Las Vegas. Whether you are armed or unarmed, the right person or the wrong person. When the system is rigged to get rid of something they do not want, for their personal reasons, you are wasting your time by writing Articles. — There is an old saying which these people live by: “My Mind Is Made Up. Don’t Confuse Me With The Facts”
August 27th, 2010 at 11:42 amThe whole cops not being convicted of murder in this town is a whole other subject I could go off on for hours. Especially with the most recent Costco shooting. I think I read some statistic that no officer has been charged since the ’70s and our police has become known across the US as trigger happy. Not the greatest image we want our city to have.
August 30th, 2010 at 8:26 pm“…who understand that what you are really selling is all women’s sexuality.”
I just love how ignorant and close minded women like the one who wrote you ALWAYS claim that a woman’s sexuality is shared among ALL women. As if there is only one giant ball of feminine sexual energy and we all have to pass it around or something.
I’ve got a Ph.D in forensic psychology and a MS in Business – I’d dare say I have a rep for being an intelligent woman, and I can tell you one thing for sure – MY SEXUALITY IS MY OWN, as is everyone’s, it’s inalienable right as a human being. What you do with it, how you act on it, and if you nurture it is a personal choice. I’m so tired of these right winged women with their semantics attempting to take what’s mine (or your’s) and use it for their own purposes.
October 4th, 2010 at 8:50 pm@AM – I agree with everything you said except one thing… That’s a traditional feminist (leftist) point of view although women on the “right” have other reasons for making the same claims…
October 6th, 2010 at 11:27 pmI have to say I can see both sides of this issue.
While I can accept the idea that there are women such as yourself who do indeed enjoy this work, and that a little sex, regardless of the source, might be just the thing some poor sex-deprived husband (or wife for that matter) needs to stay satisfied in their marriage, I think it is the exception not the rule.
The woman who wrote this email was clearly on the defense and not at all open to having a discussion or hearing your side of it, which is too bad, but I think she has a valid point. Most sex workers are not well adjusted happy people passionate about making love to whomever has the cash. 1 in 4 strippers might be well educated with all kinds of options available to them, but 3 out of 4 aren’t. That’s a whole lot more.
Maybe this woman, knowing the atrocities experienced by the *majority* of girls in this profession, found this sight that posits sex workers actually want and love this work and was offended. I don’t think that’s outrages. I also don’t think it’s outrages that you say you enjoy this work. You have a right to say that and know it be true for yourself. You are selling your most personal space to strangers and claiming to enjoy it, to choose it above other things could be available to you. I’m curious because I don’t understand that, which is why I find your blog so interesting.
I think legal prostitution would do better to protect woman and children, but I still squirm at the idea that there will be women who really never did see another option for themselves, who were abused and coerced and never able to experience their bodies as their own but supported in prostitution because after all, it’s legal, and by the way, they’re bringing in all kinds of money for the county. That worries me. It worries me that the percentage of prostitutes sexually abused as children is staggeringly high, it worries me that sex can be thought of as commodity, separate from the individuals who are doing/experiencing it, it worries me to think of sex as all about the body and not about the sacred/spiritual.
I’m not saying there can’t be a healthy way to do this work, but I have serious questions.
* Thank you for your honesty and for facilitating this discussion, it’s a very interesting one and I think it’s understandable that people on both sides would feel passionately about this issue.
** I wonder how you perceive of the difference between sex as work, and sex as an act of union or love. Is there a difference for you? Do you feel a love for all your clients? Do you feel vulnerable with your clients or always in control? Do you ever confuse work with true intimacy? Does your job affect your attitude towards sex with people who mean something to you?
October 11th, 2010 at 9:28 pmRose – I love how you toss in a lot of “statistics” to sound like you actually have experience and/or data about your opinion. That’s exactly the tactic Shayan Michelle was talking about above.
Quoting you: “maybe this woman, knowing the atrocities experienced by the *majority* of girls in this profession…”
Uhm, maybe you ARE the woman who wrote the email. Certainly sounds like it to me with your sad attempts at defending her opinion with made-up statistics and scare phrases like “atrocities experienced” yadda yadda. You have no idea what you are talking about but you don’t mind talking to defend her/your position. Sounds exactly like the writer of the email, to me, trying to defend themselves anonymously and then trying to appear to find some “common ground” in the end.
October 13th, 2010 at 4:50 pmJust as you (and others) think “some” people are one-sided in blaming prostitution for many ills — particularly men cheating, I see you (and others) being just as one-sided.
First of all, do you actually believe when these “nice” guys tell you that they’re wives aren’t putting out? Poor guys. They just need a little touch!
Some of them are lying. Outright lying to you. Just as they outright lie to their wives/partners.
Some of them perhaps have been scoundrels in their marriage causing the wife to not trust, therefore not wanting to be intimate. This could be because their husband has an addiction problem he has refused to address (drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc.) and he chooses to “blame” her. In essence, he’s made a mess of things and rather than putting in the work to make it right, he’s running away. This is a classic coping mechanism.
Some of these men have attractive and willing partners but they are emotionally stunted and run from intimacy. This is quite common for men (or women) in relationships who habitually cheat. These men often cheat on every woman he’s in a relationship regardless of the newness of the relationship, her attractiveness, OR her willingness.
Some are too deeply steeped in the madonna/whore complex whereby they are unable to have the kind of sex they want to with their wives because they just simply can’t bring themselves to.
None of this is CAUSED by prostitution, but it certainly helps when a woman is available to be paid who won’t question the truth of what she’s being told, nor make any emotional demands.
Of course there are men whose wives, through no fault of the husband, really don’t want to have sex anymore. But a man’s sexual needs does not give him the right to exclude the wife from what’s happening that could affect her health, her family, her reputation, etc. If this discussion can’t be had, it is time for divorce, not lies.
Finally, don’t kid yourself that the majority of your clients are really just “nice” guys in a tough situation. You may find yourself on the other end someday. Hot, loving, attentive, dressed to kill in lingerie, with a husband who doesn’t want to get it on with you because he’s got some emotional problem that makes him go elsewhere.
October 21st, 2010 at 6:16 pm